I'm Ashlee Kensington, and I read the spicy books taking over your girlfriend's every waking thought so you don't have to. In ten minutes an episode, you get the whole plot, the characters she's obsessed with, the scenes she's definitely reread, and — most importantly — exactly what to say at dinner to prove you've been paying attention. And what not to say, unless you enjoy sleeping on the couch.

No, you don't have to read them. That's the whole point. That's the cheat code.

Take the W, not the L.